Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
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I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
#polloftheday
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there