Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
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At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
❤️❤️❤️
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
c’mon!