“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
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Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
*mops up wine with cat*
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Me trying to look natural in photos
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.