Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
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I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
won’t smith
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Welcome to the stomach
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
This is true.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.