*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
You Might Also Like
“our sushi is very fresh”
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑