There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
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My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.