Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
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I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Not recommended for beginners.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.