I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
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All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Did…did a minotaur write this
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need