Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
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It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section