[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
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hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.