I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
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Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts