“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
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me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY