Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
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Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?