[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
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Genius idea!!
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.