Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
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My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️