ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
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pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
who called it hell and not heaven’t
*weighs self after shaving
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.