4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
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her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Y’all know who you are.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.