Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
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I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
(Gaming support cat.)
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.