THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
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Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
#oldknees
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.