girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
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Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now