I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
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This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.