ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
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Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa