last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
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WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
You sure about that?
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone