I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
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our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes