I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
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Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
selfie game
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.