I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
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If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I’m giving up ice.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!