i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
You Might Also Like
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there