Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
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Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.