I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
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I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Fight
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..