[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
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accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.