friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
You Might Also Like
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.