I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
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Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes