Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
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[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
At least my masseuse has my back.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults