Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
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I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
how to market bottled water to dads
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
No, he would not have.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??