If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
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No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
See..?
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Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.