I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
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My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill