My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
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Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.