The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
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This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???