If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
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What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
I have so many questions.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.