Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
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[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
New menu item
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss