*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
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[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
I’m literally crying
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
scenes of unspeakable carnage