Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
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yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course