Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
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It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Camping tip: No.