*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
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Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.