The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
You Might Also Like
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
This is me 🤣🤣
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Birds & Planes.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”