[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
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[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Hot Hot Hot
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you