when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
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All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
For the ones in the back.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
6: are snakes just neck?
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT