Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
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me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Lucky old June.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Should I call tech support or pray or what