My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
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Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.