I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
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Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms